Looking 4 Adventures

Why scuba diving taught me that it’s okay to say “no, I don’t want to!”

Somewhere in the middle of this year, Bas did his Open Water Certification. He raved about it, enjoyed it so much, and was fully convinced that if I was learning this skill, it would be something we could do together.

I got infected by the enthusiasm and wanted to see fishies and turtles and whalesharks, and maybe a manta ray myself. But I also vividly remembered the feeling of being underwater when we tried scuba diving for the first time in Egypt.

And while Bas was like a fish in the water, I felt anxious with so much space between me and the air I usually breathe. I felt contained, unsure, and nervous. Every breath was forced and shallow.

I thought when signing up for an Open Water Certification on Bali that I could get past this. Maybe I can be comfortable, maybe I can do this!

I tried. The first day in the pool was uncomfortable. I couldn’t get past it. Hovering was something I didn’t understand. I didn’t know how to breathe consciously without holding my breath. Every time I got water in my mouth, I panicked. A thought was crossing my mind more and more: Do I really do this for myself? Or do I do this because Bas wants me to do it. But shouldn’t I enjoy it then?

Every time we entered the pool, there was the dread. I have to take off the regulator again. I have to try to breathe again. And every time after 5 minutes under water, I wanted to go up, breathe proper air, get out of the uncomfortable vest, and out of the fins that got stuck everywhere.

On the way to the pool on the second day, I felt myself pushing up a mask while I basically barely managed to keep myself from crying.

I don’t like it! Eventually, I told my instructor, who probably already knew. “I hate this! What can we do?”

She gave me the option to get “Padi Certified”, not “Open Water Certified”. 12 meter only, with an instructor. THE RELIEF! Let’s do this!

In this moment, I chose to trust myself and to not follow a dream that wasn’t even mine. It sounds simple now, but reaching that point wasn’t.

So, what happened there?

This morning, when sitting at breakfast, I told Bas that I might not be able to do this and that there might be another option. I tried to tell him that it might just not be my thing, but if you have a strong-willed partner who just tries to be encouraging, sometimes I and my needs and wishes vanish. He told me not to give up so easily, as if any of this had been easy.

But eventually, it’s not his fault for sharing excitement or for pushing me towards a direction he thought I wanted. On all accords, it was something that I got excited about and wanted to share. He can’t see that my inner works and outer communication might be misaligned. Sometimes I even think I want something but it’s a borrowed want. I’m still figuring out how to keep them apart. Honestly, where I start and the mask ends is a puzzle I wish I could solve so much faster.

I tried to like it, but eventually, I didn’t really do this for myself. And that is the crux of it all: being neurodivergent and masking often gets you swept away in the excitement of others. And reevaluating if the “want” to do something is actually yours or borrowed can be so hard. I should have trusted my inner resistance, the dread that quietly whispered that maybe scuba diving just isn’t for me.

But there’s another thing: the wish to please! I’m a people pleaser, and while I try to cut this part of myself out when I’m with Bas, sometimes my need not to disappoint is stronger than my own resistance to not doing something I actually can’t stand.

I guess what I want to say is simple: you can say “no”, and it has nothing to do with giving up but more with choosing the thing that works for you! A “no” might even open a door to breathe again!

I think I’ll stick to snorkelling.